


we're alright, even if I'm not

by bananas



Category: Cricket RPF
Genre: Ashes 2017, Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Light Angst, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Secret Santner 2018, Sunburn, especially regarding Tasmanian team practices, hints of pat/mitch, my apologies, not sure what jackson bird is doing there, some inconsistencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-05 02:25:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17316302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananas/pseuds/bananas
Summary: “It’s okay to not be okay Tim,” Steve said.orTim's perfectly fine. Until he isn't.(Secret Santner 2018)





	we're alright, even if I'm not

**Author's Note:**

  * For [celebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/celebel/gifts).



> for the lovely sunny. I absolutely loved your prompt and I sort of just ran with it (sorry). I really hope you like this.
> 
> set in late 2017, before the Ashes squad announcement and during a fictional Sydney heat wave.

 

Tim inwardly cursed the coach for scheduling training in this hellish weather as he walked out of the apartment that morning. The Sydney heat was at its worst with the sun beating down high above his head; he felt it burn every inch of available skin from his building to his car. The walk was barely a minute but he was panting by the time he reached and even though the heat within the car was stifling too, it was easier to breathe in and was a short period of relief before he’d have to endure the torture again.

 

He shot Steve a quick text before stepping out of the car and into the searing sun.

 

_you’re lucky you missed out on sydney’s hottest day of the year. can bet my ass melbourne is cooler right now_

 

He grimaced as he made the walk to the training grounds and barely had the energy to check his phone when it buzzed with a reply.

 

_i don’t doubt it but i still miss sydney. mostly because of you_

 

And as he entered the changing rooms, Tim found it difficult to wipe the smile off of his face.

 

-

 

Despite the burning sun and the temptation to cut down his training for just one day, Tim stayed out the entire morning and afternoon, continuing to practice even when the rest of the players gave up to find shelter and the AC. The machine kept launching balls at him till late in the afternoon and if it had been up to him, he would’ve pushed himself to go longer but George seemed to have finally had enough. He sprinted onto the field followed closely by Jackson and before Tim could stop them, he dragged the ball machine off the field with Jackson’s help (with Jackson doing most of the work) as Tim shouted after them to no avail.

 

“Your boyfriend’s coming back tonight,” George shouted as he strolled away, followed closely by a struggling Jackson dragging the ball machine. “Believe me when I say he’s going to thank me for making sure you aren’t a sore, bruised mess by the time he arrives.”

 

Tim rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t going to stay that long,” he said incredulously.

 

George seemed unconvinced and he turned around to shout back at him. “You’re over-exerting yourself. Take a break Tim. Relax.”

 

“I’m not over-exerting myself,” Tim said dismissively, “I’m fine,” but George and Jackson had almost disappeared in the distance.

 

He shook his head, running a hand through his sweaty hair before he began to pack his kit. He had barely felt the heat as he had practiced but now as he bent down to unstrap his pads, the sun burned the back of his neck like it was in front of an open flame. The pain spread to his newly exposed arms and legs as he headed out of the nets and towards the showers and he grimaced.

 

The relief from the shower was short lived and he had to exit earlier than he’d like to allow the club to shut down it’s facilities for the day. The locker room was almost empty when he came out and he saw only the back of the last player leaving the room before he was alone. He felt like he was suffocating even in here and the heat in the confined space made him nauseous so Tim hurriedly dressed and left.

 

The heat continued to be unforgiving outside and he would’ve jogged to the car in his eagerness to get to an air-conditioned area but the post practice ache had settled in to his muscles and that, coupled with the scorching sun rays that seemed to burn his skin, meant he couldn’t even think about moving his muscles more than necessary.

 

The ride home was difficult and while the air conditioning made it more bearable, Tim wanted nothing more than to reach home and nap in the safe, cool confines of his apartment.

 

He didn’t immediately feel refreshed when he reached home: his legs burned with every step and the dizziness stuck with him even as he walked into the building. The buttons of the elevator blurred as he tried to find the number 8 but he located it after a few seconds of squinting and some deep breaths. He flinched as he dragged his kit bag out of the sun and his arms burned as if he was still standing under the scorching sun. He made it to the door despite the overwhelming pain and it took everything in him to unlock the door and get himself and his bag inside.

 

The last thing Tim remembered was the sound of the door shutting behind him and how the carpet Steve had picked felt surprisingly soft, even though he’d just fallen face-first onto it.

 

-

 

Tim didn’t know how long he was out and when he opened his eyes, the apartment was dark. His fingers grasped at the carpet and it took him a minute to realize where he was. He took a deep breath but as he did so he felt his face and neck burn with the stretch of his skin. He groaned and gave himself a few minutes before he reached for his phone in his pocket. His hand stung as he pulled it out and continued to as he unlocked his phone through lidded eyes and dialed the first number he found.

 

Pat's voice echoed slightly when he picked up and Tim wasn't sure if it was just him or because of his phone.

 

"Tim? Hey, what's up?"

 

"Pat."

 

Tim's voice was barely above a whisper and he paused and tried again.

 

"Pat. Could you drop by mine and Steve's apartment? Right- right now?"

 

"Yeah, of course. Is everything okay?" Pat’s voice was laced with concern and Tim immediately felt guilty for making him worry.

 

"Yeah, yeah," he breathed out slowly. "Just fainted, I think."

 

Tim heard a door slam at Pat's end and the ding of an elevator as Pat said, "I'm on my way."

 

"Thanks, Pat," Tim sighed and he dropped his phone back to his side and waited.

 

"Tim?" Mitch's voice was loud and panicked through the apartment door. Tim heard him yank at the doorknob before throwing himself at the door and nearly falling through. Pat followed him in, biting a smile back at his boyfriend's unnecessary use of force

 

"It was unlocked," Tim said weakly, a ghost of a smile on his face as he lay on the floor.

 

Pat's smile wiped from his face as he spotted Tim and his expression fell.

 

"Tim!" He crouched on the floor next to him and grabbed his wrist.

 

"Mitch, call an ambulance quickly!" Pat said, his fingers pressed to Tim's pulse point.

 

“Right. What do I tell them?" Mitch said and his phone was already his in his hand as he dialed.

 

"That he fainted, obviously," Pat said exasperatedly as he shook his head. Despite his weak state, Tim found their exchange entertaining and a slight distraction from the weakness and the pain.

 

"Don't call an ambulance. I'm fine," he tried to reassure Pat but he was barely able to mumble the words and it was his turn to be on the receiving end of Pat's glares.

 

"Yes, you clearly seem to be in perfect health."

 

Tim stopped trying after that although he did protest to the stretcher and opted for a wheelchair, even when it burned the backs of his knees as he sat.

 

The hot, sticky evening air didn't do much to help the burn so Tim was grateful when they embarked on the ambulance, Pat alongside him and Mitch following in the car behind.

 

Pat insisted on taking them from the back entrance of the hospital and Tim was grateful: this whole ordeal was already embarrassing enough.

 

The doctors were more helpful that Tim expected, setting up a drip for the nausea and weakness and prescribing him a salve to use along with some pain medication. They even prescribed him bed rest and recommended he stay indoors as much as he could for the next week or so until the burnt skin peeled off but he immediately protested.

 

"But this isn't that serious; I'm sure I'll be fine. I know I can withstand the pain, especially with the medication you've prescribed." His voice was pleading but the doctors seemed unmoved.

 

"I'm sorry, sir," one of them started, "but you did faint today and your burns are severe. You need at least 2 days of bed rest to recover and your burns need time to heal. We'd even recommend you stay the night here because sun poisoning-"

 

"Sun poisoning?" Mitch asked, alarmed and Pat rolled his eyes.

 

"It's not actually poisoning- it's when you fall sick due to prolonged exposure to the sun."

 

Mitch raised his eyebrows.

 

"You basically just described what Tim's going through right now."

 

Pat stared Mitch incredulously.

 

"Yes, because he has sun poisoning!" Pat said, his tone dangerously polite and Mitch looked ready to argue.

 

"Okay, enough," Tim said, his voice just louder than a whisper but fading off as his neck stretched with the exertion. The cool gel they’d applied relieved some of the pain of the stretch but not all of it.

 

Pat and Mitch looked equally sheepish as their argument came to a halt and the doctors excused themselves.

 

Tim groaned when they were out of earshot.

 

"Steve's supposed to be landing tonight but I'm stuck in the hospital for the night. How lovely,” he said with some difficulty. He sighed. "At least he doesn't know what's happened yet. I just know he'll freak out and worry and probably fly in on an earlier flight."

 

Pat and Mitch were suspiciously quiet throughout his little monologue which was unusual especially for them and Tim looked over to see a guilty look on both of their faces.

 

"What?" he asked alarmed. "What did you guys do?"

 

Pat cleared his throat uncomfortably but it was Mitch who spoke first.

 

"So I may have called Steve when you were on your way to the hospital with Pat," he said slowly and fearfully and Tim's eyes widened.

 

"It was Pat's idea though," Mitch said hastily and Pat shot him a hard look which led him to correct himself.

 

"To-to which I agreed, obviously. Because it was the right thing to do," Mitch added quickly and Pat rolled his eyes at his attempt.

 

"I can't believe you guys," Tim said with a sigh. "He's probably already flying in and he had a really big meeting tonight."

 

"Yeah but we had to tell him, Tim," Pat said. "If it was the other way around, you'd want to know and you'd hop onto a plane immediately as well."

 

Tim shook his head and he was saved from answering as a nurse approached.

 

"It's time for your pain medication, sir. I understand you'll be staying the night so I'll give it to you right now?"

 

She phrased it like a question and Tim hesitated before relented.

 

"Yeah, go for it." He offered up his arm, ignoring the burn, and felt a small prick as she injected it into him.

 

"This will cause drowsiness and you may sleep for a while but it'll definitely help with the pain," she told him kindly.

 

"Thanks," Tim said and he gave her a small smile.

 

Pat came closer as she walked away and he helped Tim settle into his bed, fluffing up his pillow and tucking the sheet perfectly around him.

 

“Just tell Steve I’m fine when he reaches, okay? This IV and the jel will freak him out for sure,” he said to Pat sleepily.

 

"Sure," came Pat's voice but it was distant; the drowsiness was already hitting Tim and after a few minutes of Pat and Mitch going back and forth about something stupid, he felt his eyes begin to droop.

 

When he dozed off, his dreams were hazy, filled with shapes and colours that swam across his eyes. He drifted in and out of consciousness continuously and at one point, he thought he heard Steve’s voice talking to someone. He strained his ears and caught something about how he was worried about Tim and his relief at a resolved selection issue for the Ashes. Tim wasn’t sure how the two related until he heard Steve say:

 

“-he's been working so hard; Tim deserves to be a part of the Ashes squad-”

 

For a brief second, Tim’s heart soared and he almost yanked himself awake until it hit him: he was obviously still dreaming and Steve probably wasn’t even here yet. He let himself drift off after that, allowing himself to fall into deeper sleep where he hoped to dream of things that would hurt him less when he woke up and they were ripped away from him.

 

-

 

Tim woke to the sun streaming through the thin hospital curtains and a hand placed lightly in his, where it was hanging off the bed. Despite the renewed pain from the sunburns, he opened his eyes after a few minutes and found his boyfriend fast sleep on the chair he’d pulled up next to his bed, his head leaned back and his mouth slightly open.

 

Tim couldn’t help but smile at Steve but a part of him still ached because he must’ve been tired after his meetings and flight and the chair couldn’t have been comfortable to sleep in.

 

“Mr. Paine?” Tim was broken out of his reverie by the arrival of a nurse at his room door and he saw Steve begin to stir awake as well; Steve rubbed his eyes and sat up straighter as the nurse began to talk.

 

“I have your dosage for the pain medication and your discharge papers whenever you’re ready,” she said and Tim nodded, resisting the urge to grimace at the pain caused by the stretch of skin.

 

The nurse began to leave but Steve stopped her.

 

“Wait,” he called out and he jumped out of his chair to meet her at the door. “I wanted to talk to you about the gel- how often should I- should he I mean, sorry- apply it? Also do you think we should extend the bed rest from 2 to at least 3 to 4 days? I really think-”

 

“Steve.” Tim brought Steve’s flurry of questions to a halt and he raised his eyebrows at his boyfriend. “It’s fine- I’m fine.” He turned to the nurse who stood awkwardly at the door. “Please bring the medication and the forms in five minutes, thanks.”

 

She smiled at them both before leaving although she still looked slightly confused.

 

“They were important questions, Tim,” Steve said but his voice was soft and concerned as he came closer to clasp Tim’s hand again. “I was worried about you. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

 

Tim couldn’t help but smile. “I am okay and you don’t have to worry- I promise.”

 

Steve didn’t look convinced but Tim spoke before he could counter.

 

“Come on then, help me pack up so we can get back home quickly.” Steve hesitated before nodding and giving in.

 

They packed in silence mostly until the nurse showed up with the medication and the discharge papers.

 

“Take these twice a day and the gel needs to be applied three times a day,” she told them but the last part was directed more towards Steve than Tim and Tim couldn’t help the blush that spread across his face.

 

He avoided her eyes as he took the medication from her and signed the discharge papers.  
  


“Thank you for everything,” he said as he and handed the papers back and finally met her gaze and she smiled and nodded before exiting the room.

 

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked him and Tim saw the concern in his eyes.

 

“I’m fine,” he told him and he saw something flicker across Steve’s face.

 

He didn’t say anything about it however and followed it up with: “Okay. Ready to go?”

 

He picked up Tim’s things and didn’t meet his eyes and his tone was unreadable.

 

“Yeah,” Tim said as he chewed his lip and he almost asked what Steve had on his mind but he chickened out and followed him out instead.

 

-

 

“So how was Melbourne? How did your meetings go?”

 

Tim broke the awkward silence that hovered around them in the car ride and he turned to see Steve nod.

 

“Good. Melbourne was hot and the meetings went well.” Steve’s expression was still unreadable and Tim’s bottom lip was still taking the brunt of it.

 

“That’s nice,” he said finally.

 

As his mind wandered and a few more minutes of silence passed, Tim remembered his dream from the night before and he couldn’t help but ask Steve about it.

 

“Hey, I wanted to ask you: when you came in last night, were you talking to someone about your meetings?”

 

Steve finally turned towards him and he looked startled.

 

“Uh, yeah. I was taking to Pat and Mitch. Why?”

 

And Tim almost did it; he almost asked him if he’d heard him correctly last night; he almost asked him if it was true he had been selected for the Ashes but the entire idea seemed so ridiculous and impossible. He didn’t think he could handle the pity he’d expect Steve to have on his face when he would have to tell him that he’d only dreamt it all up so he kept his mouth sealed instead.

 

“No reason,” he said simply with a shrug, ignoring the pain it caused him.

 

-

 

Steve assisted Tim continuously as they reached home, opening doors and holding all his things and rushing to get the elevator despite his constant insistence that he was okay, that he could open his own door and that he was perfectly fine.

 

He must’ve said it for the fourth or fifth time since they had reached when Steve finally snapped at him.

 

“I’m fine, Steve, relax,” was all Tim had said when Steve fired back.

 

“No, you’re clearly not Tim. You have burns all over your arms and legs and neck. You fainted yesterday and you didn’t even call me or anyone when you started feeling ill. Just for once, admit you’re not okay.”

 

Steve took a deep breath as he paused. He ran a hand through his hair, gripping it tightly, almost pulling at it. After a few seconds, he dropped his hand and stared at Tim, his eyes unreadable.

 

His voice was hollow when he spoke again

 

“It’s been months since you haven’t been yourself. It’s been months since you’ve been acting like you’re fine and everything’s great. I know it hasn’t been.”

 

Tim started to speak; he opened his mouth and tried to tell Steve he was wrong and that he _was_ fine and that he had no idea what Steve was talking about but as he stood there with his mouth open, staring at Steve’s eyes filled with worry and pain, the words refused to come out.

 

Steve took a few deep breaths and his voice was more steady when he continued.

 

“At first, I thought you just weren’t able to talk to me about it, you know.” His eyes were distant, as if he was seeing a different time before him but Tim held his gaze until his boyfriend’s eyes were no longer glazed over and were staring right at him.

 

“But then I realized that it wasn’t just me you weren’t willing to admit it to, it was yourself.”

 

There was something about the way Steve said it, not like he was disappointed in him but as if the words hurt him to say or to believe, that broke Tim.

 

“I didn’t-” he began but he wasn’t able to finish.

 

“It’s okay to not be okay Tim,” Steve said and there was so much love and understanding in his eyes that Tim felt his heart was ready to burst.

 

Tim nodded at last and even though he wasn't quite there yet- wasn't ready to admit it out loud- for now, for the first time in a long time, he didn't feel alone.

 

-

 

Although they spent the rest of the afternoon talking about everything it seemed, from good therapists Steve had found in Sydney that carried out Skype sessions too to how bad the pain in Tim’s finger really was, there was still one point Tim struggled to address. He finally did it, albeit while his back was turned and he was fluffing up the pillows as he readied their bed for the night.

 

“Even if I don’t recover from these burns before you have to leave for the Ashes, you don’t have to stay back to take care of me- you know that right?” His tone was as casual as he could make it and he hoped it was enough.

 

Steve opened his mouth to reply but Tim cut him off.

 

“I mean, it’s the Ashes- you can’t just show up late because your boyfriend’s got a sunburn,” Tim went on. “I’ll be find back home knowing you’re off preparing to kick England’s ass in the Ashes- in fact, I think that knowledge will help me recover even quicker.” He turned around and shot Steve a smile and he was almost sure it was working because Steve’s smile in return was blinding.

 

“Actually, there something I have to tell you,” he said gleefully.

 

Tim froze. His mind raced to the night before and what he’d heard Steve say. Before he could stop himself, his hands were shaking and his heart was hammering in his chest.

 

“Really?” he said faintly. “What is it?”

 

“I’m not supposed to say anything yet,” Steve began, “but you know those super-important meetings I just attended in Melbourne?”

 

Tim nodded slowly and he tried and tried to get his pulse to stop racing but it was near impossible now.

 

“Well, we were trying to resolve a selection issue we had regarding the squad for the Ashes,” Steve told him and Tim was just about having an out-of-body-experience right about then.

 

Steve’s voice was distant and Tim hardly heard him when he said, “I’m looking straight at Australia’s new Test wicket-keeper,” with a smile so big, his eyes almost disappeared.

 

It took Tim a minute to gather his bearings so he could respond.

 

“I- You’re serious?” he asked him and Steve nodded. His smile was smaller now, more fond and proud than ecstatic.

 

Tim stared at him in disbelief and a slow smile spread across his face. He pulled Steve in, ignoring the burn of his bandaged arms as he did so, focusing only on the man in his arms and the pure, unadulterated happiness he felt at that moment. He couldn’t tell whether a few minutes or an hour had passed when they broke apart and all he knew was that right now, as he stood in front of the man he loved and received the news that would turn his life around, he was the happiest he’d been in a long time and that he would give everything to hold onto this moment, and this man, forever.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was a bit rushed but i'm happy to finally get a long-ish work out. hope you all liked this. come say hi on my tumblr
> 
> also the injury referred to is Tim Paine's finger injury from 2010


End file.
